All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
