I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
