I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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