Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
