I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
