Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
