I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually