I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am spending my child support on dildos
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break