hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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