Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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