youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
