he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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