i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
