Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
