You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
