Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
