A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
