He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
