I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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