My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
