Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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