Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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