im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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