I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
