I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
