I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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