Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
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Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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