i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
