Screwed.edu
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
