I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
