she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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