well I can't set my house on fire every night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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