she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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