The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
