Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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