Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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