soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
