Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
