she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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