I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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