1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How external is "for external use only"?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
