I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
