I think my fart just growled at me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
