R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
