Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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