I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
