nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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