Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
