The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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