Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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