as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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