There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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