I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
