Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.