I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.