While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
