Texts From Last Night

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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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  (304): remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night? http://tfl.nu/z8ke
  Replies (22) Good night (8814) Bad night (1151)
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  (650): View more from California

  I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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  (650): I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it. http://tfl.nu/k1p6
  Replies (7) Good night (768) Bad night (3554)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"

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  (903): I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition" http://tfl.nu/bud7
  Replies (8) Good night (1222) Bad night (3126)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.

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  (678): If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class. http://tfl.nu/m667
  Replies (20) Good night (4414) Bad night (814)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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  (201): if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter. http://tfl.nu/wtfv
  Replies (27) Good night (5159) Bad night (1157)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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  (281): Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character. http://tfl.nu/f69z
  Replies (11) Good night (7787) Bad night (1362)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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  (360): I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/54bi
  Replies (14) Good night (1250) Bad night (3899)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  ...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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  (804): ...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks http://tfl.nu/unmu
  Replies (19) Good night (3481) Bad night (986)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up

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  (519): You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up http://tfl.nu/hzs8
  Replies (10) Good night (2715) Bad night (1309)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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  (908): Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate http://tfl.nu/t9ao
  Replies (3) Good night (2368) Bad night (933)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.

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  (251): Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record. http://tfl.nu/akbh
  Replies (19) Good night (1817) Bad night (783)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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  (647): He was the one that got away. From my vagina. http://tfl.nu/504c
  Replies (8) Good night (1552) Bad night (596)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.

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  (931): And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara. http://tfl.nu/ndct
  Replies (6) Good night (1671) Bad night (485)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.

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  (817): I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/tfur
  Replies (3) Good night (771) Bad night (697)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.

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  (+44): Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again. http://tfl.nu/5f8v
  Replies (2) Good night (262) Bad night (510)

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